Five Night's at Evan's
by blazingalex
Summary: Evan finally gets a job! And at the original Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria nonetheless. Evan's friends also show up time-to-time, adding to the humor Evan already faces with Freddy, Bonnie, Chica, Foxy, and Golden Freddy. Rated M for adult humor and crude jokes.
1. Night 1: Initiation

**Hello, blazingalex here. IT IS HERE! THE NEW STORY HAS ARRIVED! EXCLAMATION POINTS!**

**WARNING: Adult jokes and crude humor are present. This is rated M for inappropriate jokes. I do NOT own FNaF or have any personal relationship with Vanoss (a.k.a. Evan) and/or with his friends. Enjoy.**

* * *

Night 1: Initiation

"Welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria, where you can eat, sing, and have a great time with Freddy Fazbear and his pals!" A young, blonde woman shouted with joy at a young man.

"Uh, heh-heh, uh, thanks," he chuckled nervously. "Anyways, um, I'm here for a job interview. M-my name's Evan-"

"Oh, boy! A new night watchman! Ooh, I hope you get the job!"

"Uh, yeah, s-so do I."

"Oh, almost forgot. Here." She shoved her hand into her pocket and pulled out a bag of earplugs.

"What're these for?"

"I heard Foxy's screeches can get very loud at night. These should keep them eardrums safe."

"Wait, Foxy?" Wasn't he shut down, like, over thirty years ago?"

"No, dear. He's still operational. After that bite, it was decided by some high-powered men that shutting him down would be cruel, so they placed an 'Out of Order' sign over by Pirate Cove just so he can feel guilty. Some people claim to have heard him crying behind that curtain. That he really didn't mean to bite the kid."

"O-kay. And the part about the screeching?"

"Rumor has it that his screeches are a warning. Warning anyone in the building after dark that the Golden One is coming."

"Uh, 'the Golden One?'"

"Whelp, no time to dilly-dally! You have an interview to go to! Good luck!" She shoved the Asian-Canadian away so she could greet some guests.

"Bitch," Evan muttered. He turned around and started walking towards the back when someone stopped him.

"Evan, hey!" He turned around.

"Oh, hey Tyler! What's up? What're you doing here?"

"Well, you see, when I was a young boy, my father took me into the city to see Freddy Fazbear." Evan looked at his friend with a confused look on his face.

"Did you just-did you rip off 'Welcome to the Black Parade?'"

"I did? Whelp, that's a lawsuit. It was nice knowing you, Evan. See ya!" Tyler left, leaving Evan EXTREMELY confused. Shaking his head, the twenty-something man or whatever. I don't know his fucking age, I'm just a narrator. Hey! Shut up! You look at someone and guess their exact age! Yeah, that's what I thought. It's difficult. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.

Shaking his head, Evan approached the door to the office and knocked.

"Who's there?" A gruff voice asked from the other side.

"Uh, my name's Evan," he responded. "I'm here for the job interview."

"Come on in." Evan looked at the door.

"Uh, sir? I can't get in."

"C'mon, you can do it. It's unlocked."

"No, I really don't think I can. All there that's there is a small keyhole."

"Jesus Christ, Kid." The door opened and Freddy Fazbear himself stood there. "Didn't Shelia give you the key to the door?"

"Um, no. She just wished me good luck."

"Fucking moron. Anyways come on in and sit down." Evan entered the room and looked around. Pictures of the gang hung on the walls.

"You, uh, must love the animatronics."

"Yeah, yeah, let's get started." They both sat down on either side of a desk. "My name is Freddy Fazbear and welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria. So you want to be the new night watchman, huh? Well, since you're the only interview, you got it. Here's your hat and keys." Freddy tossed the items at Evan. "Your shift starts at midnight and ends at six. Now, during that time, you will be monitoring surveillance, making sure everything's in order. Now, my friends and I will be wandering around the place, and that's okay. Foxy will get loud at night, so have some earplugs with you. If you want to, you can walk around, just stay out of the kitchen. Goldilocks doesn't like people in there. Any questions?"

"Um…"

"Good, see you at midnight." Freddy got up and left, leaving Evan with no idea what to do.

"Uh, was that really Freddy Fazbear?" He asked aloud.

* * *

11:50 p.m. or something

Evan was on a table fast asleep when someone shook him awake.

"Hmm? What?" He asked groggily, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"Wake up, sweetie," a soothing voice whispered. "Time for your shift." Evan looked up and saw Chica, but with boobs.

"HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE ALIVE!"

"Uh, yeah. We all are thanks to an A.I. Back when Freddy Fazbear was a human, he designed personalities for each one of us in this specific restaurant, until his death. He lives on in the Freddy you see here."

"Hey, Chica!" Bonnie shouted, approaching the two. "Do you know where the broom is? I can't find it anywhere." Evan fell back onto the table and passed out. "Who's he?"

"That's Evan, our brave, new night watchman."

"Uh-huh. Anyways, broom?"

"By the front desk."

"Thanks." They both looked back at Evan. Slowly, Bonnie reached up and cupped one of Chica's boobs. She turned around and slapped him across the face.

"Pervert!" Bonnie ran, holding onto his face in pain. Chica then turned back to Evan, who was now waking up. "You okay, there?"

"Ugh, what happened?" Evan asked, holding his head.

"You fainted," a gruff voice answered. Freddy approached the two. "C'mon, I need to show you your office." The bear led Evan down a hall to a small room.

"Is this a broom closet?"

"No, that's across the hall. Now, this is your office. You can decorate it how you want. Cameras are displayed on this here large ass TV and this tablet." He held up and iPad. "You also are given a pistol. I don't know why it's even here. Mike, our last watchman, left it here. Yeah, he got fired for messing around with us. He added those knockers you saw on Chica. Personally, I think it's awesome, but Chica would kill me if I said that. I caught Mike trying to fuck up Foxy's voice. Fired him on the spot. Any questions?"

"Uh…"

"Good. I'll be back around 6:00 to pick up your remains. Goodnight." He left, leaving Evan standing in his new office holding the iPad and his weapon.

"What? The fuck?"

* * *

1:15 a.m.

Evan sat in the corner of the office, cowering and pointing the gun at the door. Foxy's screeches pounded his ears.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Was the only noise that filled the air. Bonnie tried to check on Evan earlier, but was almost shot out of fear. Nobody bothered to check on him since.

As Evan sat in the corner, shaking, footsteps could be heard out in the hall, running towards him. the Asian-Canadian readied himself, pointing the gun at a certain height.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Foxy ran into the office.

BANG!

Evan pulled the trigger, sending a bullet directly into Foxy's neck.

"Ack!" Foxy began to hack and cough violently. "Ahem. Ah, it seems I'm able to communicate again. Splendid." He sounded extremely British.

"Uh, aren't you supposed to be a pirate?" Evan asked.

"What? Oh, bugger. It seems your firearm as altered my voice box. Perhaps if we damaged it again, I should speak normally." Evan pointed the pistol at Foxy again. "Give it a go, old chap."

BANG!

More coughs from the fox.

"Crickey, mate! That hurts more than that bite!"

"Nope, that's Australian."

BANG!

"HORY SHET! SHTAHP!"

"Now that's just racist."

BANG!

"Please! Stop! I'm beggin' ye!"

"Okay, I'll stop. By the way, you're back to normal."

"Ah, thank ye, matey!" He draped an arm around Evan.

"Uh, Foxy?"

"Yes?"

"Can you get your hook out of my shoulder?"

"Oh, sorry." He yanked the hook out, leaving a hole.

"ARGH!" Evan clutched the puncture would in an attempt to stop the bleeding. Chica came running in with a First-Aid kit.

"Is anyone hurt?" She asked.

"Oh, NOW you come in. As if those five gunshots weren't loud enough."

"Aye, there wer' four shots," Foxy said.

BANG!

"Five."

"Well, sorry for trying to avoid bullets. Now, do you want my help with that bleeder or not?" Chica asked.

"Yes, please." Chica grabbed Evan and turned him around.

"You just need a bandage." She reached into the kit and pulled out a Band-Aid; placing the adhesive over his wound. "Better?"

"Kinda." She got up and turned to Foxy.

"I see you got your voice back."

"Yarg!" Foxy exclaimed. He received a punch in his jaw.

"You're still not entertaining kids." She left as Foxy sat down into the chair and began crying. Evan got up and put his hand onto the pirate's shoulder.

"Aw, what's wrong?" Evan asked. Foxy looked up at him, sniffling. Sniffling? Now wait a minute! I know for a FACT that robots can't cry, let alone have mucus. You know what? I quit this narrating job! This shit is too fucked up!

… … …

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! I got the job! Hi, guys! My name's WILDCAT and I'm your new narrator. Oh, hey Evan! … Oh, he can't hear me? That's a damn shame. Anyhoo, um…shit, what was I gonna say? Oh, yeah. Foxy.

Foxy looked up at Evan, sniffling. I sound like fucking Batman. *gargling noises*

"Ar, I miss the young 'un's," he replied. "I didn't mean to bite 'im. 'E stuck 'is arm in me jaw and gave me an uppercut."

"Foxy?"

"Yes?"

"You're moving away from your pirate voice. Do I have to shoot you again?"

"Uh, no, not necessary. Um, I'll go back to my place now." He ran out the door. Evan got up and sat in his chair, leaning back and putting his feet up.

RING!

Phone, Evan!

RING!

He picked up the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Welcome to the night watch," a voice familiar to Evan said. He seemed to have trouble reading. "As you may already be aware of, the robots wander around at night. Don't worry. They won't kill-"

"Delirious?"

"Vanoss? What're you doing there?"

"I work here. Apparently YouTube isn't a real job, according to my dad, so I got a job here. I never even this place was real! I just thought it was a game!"

"I know! I'm working dayshift and was told to give you a call 'cause you're the new guy."

"You live here, too! Jesus, I just ran into WILDCAT earlier." Hi, Evan! Up here! "So, uh, what's the reason you called?"

"Just to welcome you to the team, that's all. Goodnight!"

"Night, Delirious." He hung up and picked up his iPaddle-iPad. I mean, uh i-iPad. Ah, screw it. Let's just skip ahead a couple of hours.

* * *

4:46 a.m.

"Evan!" Chica called. "We got something for you!"

"Is it a cake?" Evan asked.

"H-how did you know?"

"I have a nose, perhaps?" He left his office and wandered down to the dining area. "What's the cake for?" Bonnie jumped out.

"For surviving your first night," he answered. "Most people shoot themselves around 2:00. So, congratulations!"

"Thanks, guys."

"Yeah, well, you earned it," Freddy said. "Just because you're alive doesn't mean I have to clean up any blood, making my job a bit easier. Anyways, we whipped this up just for you. Hope you like chocolate. Now-"

"Freddy?" Chica interrupted. "Can you just shut up?" She turned to Evan. "Well, dig in!"

"Thank you, guys. So much."

"Shut the fuck up and eat the damn cake!" Bonnie ordered.

* * *

**Now, this isn't exactly a straight-up parody, just humorous. Remember to review and PM me if you want me to add anything to the story. blazingalex, out!**


	2. Night 2: The Golden One

**Hello, blazingalex here. I really wanted to bring back the comedy, so I did! Enjoy!**

* * *

Night 2: The Golden One

4:30 p.m.

"So I finally got a job," Evan told his Irish online friend Daithi de Nogla.

"A real job?" Nogla asked. "Where?"

"Freddy Fazbear's."

"Wait, that's a real place?"

"I know! I was surprised too!" Evan sniped Nogla's Zoidberg playermodel while WILDCAT ran over Evan.

"Suck it, Evan!" WILDCAT said. Wait, how the fuck does that work? I'm here, but I'm also- oh, hey. I'm playing GMod. Wow. I look fucking stupid.

"Uh, W-WILDCAT? Are you narrating?" Shit.

"Uh, uh, n-no!"

"Uh huh."

"J-just leave me alone, Evan!" I, uh, he, uh, we, shit, how am I going to do this? Um, WILDCAT got off GMod. There we go.

"Well, that was weird," Nogla said.

"Yeah, it was like he was hiding something," Evan added.

"Oh, hey I forgot to tell you. I also used to have a job as a narrator."

"Really? What happened?"

"Ah, I quit because the shit I was narrating was too fucked up. Fucking robots were crying and had mucus and shit."

* * *

11:55 p.m.

Evan approached the pizzeria and knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" He heard Bonnie ask.

"Pizza delivery!" Evan shouted. There was a rumbling noise as he heard Chica's voice gradually grow louder.

"...gimme, gimME, GIMME, GIMME!" She yanked the door open and pulled Evan inside. "Where is it? Where's the pizza?

"It's in the kitchen." She bolted through the kitchen doors, causing multiple pots to fall down.

"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" A terrifying yell penetrated everyone's ears. Evan cupped his hands over his ears to keep them from bleeding. Chica ran out of the kitchen, slamming the door shut.

Jesus Christ, that shit was loud. I'm fucking way up here and I could hear that like nothing. Holy shit.

"What the fuck was that?" Evan asked.

"Goldenlocks," Freddy replied. "Unless he asks you, you don't go into the kitchen."

"I could've guessed that. Wait, isn't Chica allowed in there? Ya know, pizza?"

"Pizza? Where?" Chica asked.

"We just ran out," Bonnie replied. Chica looked down in grief, walking away slowly.

"Whelp," Evan said, stretching. "Time to go into my office." He walked down the short, poorly lit hallway into the security office where he sat down and pulled out a soda can like he was in The Sims, right out of his ass. They really need to call an electrician, but fucking Freddy caN'T DO FUCKING SHIT! Sorry.

As Evan fucked around on his iPad, the phone rang. He quickly answered it.

"Thank you for calling Freddy Fazbear's pizzeria," he said. "I'm sorry, but we're closed right now. Can I schedule you for an appointment?"

"Fuck you, Vanoss!" Delirious shouted to his friend. Evan laughed.

"How's it going, man?"

"It's been fucking shit. I've been scrolling through my comments non-stop and they all keep asking for a face reveal." Evan tapped on the screen of his iPad.

"Maybe you should do one. It could be good for you."

"Vanoss, you know how insecure I am about my appearance."

"Yeah, I forgot. You always dress up like a psycho gay clown on GTA. C'mon, destroy their defenses."

"You playing, uh, Clash of Clans?"

"Yeah, yeah I am. I'm almost through-I'M IN! Yeah! Fuck them up!"

"Well, you have fun. Oh, by the way, don't go into the kitchen at all."

"Yeah, yeah. I was already told that."

"Good. Take care, man." Delirious hung up. Evan put the phone back and leaned back in his chair as he watched his troops destroy the enemy. Holy fuck, he's stacked. You go, Evan!

There was a knock at the door.

"Hey, Evan?" Bonnie asked.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"GF wants to see you in the kitchen."

"GF?"

"Golden Freddy. He wants to see you now."

"Fine." He set his iPad down and got out of his seat. I still can't believe I stole this job from Nogla. This is pretty fun. All I have to do is say what's really going on and shit. Remember to subscribe to me on YouTube, I AM WILDCAT.

Oh, I can't promote my channel? Well, fuck. Anyways, Evan slumped into the kitchen where Golden Freddy sliced some thick meat.

Heh, heh. Meat. Dick joke.

"You wanted to see me?" Evan asked.

"Yes I did," Golden Freddy said. He sounded like one of those smokers who has a stoma and has to talk with that fucking voice changer thing, but easier to understand. You know what I'm talking about, right? "I just wanted to meet you, that was all." Evan smirked.

"'Meet.' And you're slicing meat." GF turned around and hurled a knife at Evan, just barely missing his head. "JESUS FUCK!"

"You think I'm funny?"

"N-No, man!"

"I'm fucking hilarious. Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"I-I don't know. Why?"

"To get to the gay guy's house."

"What?"

"Nevermind. Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"The chicken. Ha, ha!" As GF laughed at his own stupid joke, Evan slowly left the kitchen to return to his office.

"Holy shit, that was bad," Evan said, once in the clear.

"Eh, don't worry," Freddy said, lighting a cigarette. "They grow on you. Now, if you really want to, I can turn on a karaoke machine and you can sing whatever the fuck you want, just no country or any of my songs. Also, feel free to grab any sodas that are sitting out in the back room if you ever get-"

"Oh, my God, Freddy," Chica said, walking over. "Shut the fuck up!" She turned to Evan.

Her boobs are fucking amazing.

"C'mon, boy," she said to Evan. "Let's get you back to your office." She grabbed his hand and led him back to the office. Once inside, she threw him into the chair and closed the doors, locking them in.

"Uh, what-what's going on?" Evan asked.

"You know, for a human, you're pretty cute." She strode over to him. Jesus, I'm getting a boner from this. Don't fuck her, Evan! We got to keep this rated M, not MA!

She straddled his knee and looked deep into his eyes.

"You ever done it with an animatronic before?" Chica asked Evan.

"N-no. Is that even possible?"

"You wanna find out?" She leaned in close to him, her metal beak almost touching his lips. Evan gulped. "Don't be scared. Just let it happen." Just as soon as she was about to kiss-wait. She was going to kiss him? What? Now I know why Nogla quit, this shit is way too fucked up. But, I need the money.

Just as she was about to kiss him, there was a loud banging on the door.

"Open up, matey!" Foxy called out. Disappointed, Chica got off of my friend.

"I'll see you later," she said seductively. She opened the door and walked out, swaying her hips. Foxy stood out in the hall confused.

"Don't even fucking ask me," Evan told the pirate. "I don't even know what happened. I just want to finish my shift, go home, and go to bed."

"I'll leave ye' alone, then," Foxy said, rubbing the back of his head. As he walked back to Pirate Cove, Evan sighed.

"I fucking hate my job."

* * *

**WOOHOO! I DID IT! Remember to review and PM me if you want me to add anything to the story. blazingalex, out!**


	3. Night 3: I (don't) Ship It

**Hello, blazingalex here. You know what? FUCK YOU GUYS! I wrote this to make you guys laugh, and this is all I get?! If that's the case, then I'm leaving!**

**Just kidding, I can't do that.**

* * *

Night 3: I (don't) Ship It

8:23 a.m.

A rooster crowed loudly, waking Evan up. Jesus Christ, how can he NOT sleep through that alarm? If I had that, I would fucking kill myself. I hate alarms!

Evan grabbed his clock and threw it against the wall, smashing it to pieces. You go, man!

"...piece of shit," Evan mumbled before lying back down on his bed to go back to sleep.

* * *

9:13 a.m.

Evan rolled in his sleep. His blanket tightened around him.

* * *

10:59 a.m.

He's still sleeping. God, I'm growing tired. I should've taken a nap before work.

* * *

12:26 p.m.

*YAWN* Evan still hasn't woken up yet, keep scrolling.

* * *

Who the hell knows p.m.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Hmm? What? He awake yet? I can't see shit, it's dark out. Uhh, hold on.

Oh, he's out of bed finally. Hmm, now where is he?

What? He's not even home? God- okay, calm down Tyler. You can do this. Just go check the pizzeria. You'll probably find- oh, hey! There he is.

* * *

*Over at Freddy's*

Evan sat in his office chewing on some doughnuts. Heh, he's a mall cop. Chica's face could be seen through the window. As she stared at her crush's back, her metallic hand traveled sout-oh, GOD! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't want to include that.

Bonnie and Foxy cleaned up the restaurant from the day, Freddy counted the money that was collected, and GF was hiding in the kitchen. Okay, everyone's here.

"Hey, Foxy," Bonnie said to his friend. "Have you noticed Chica acting strange around Evan lately?"

"Aye," the pirate agreed. "She's been crushin' for days."

"We got to do something about that. She's going to smother him. I don't ship that."

"Ship?"

"You know, like saying two people belong together."

"Oh." Foxy looked down in disappointed and returned to his sweeping. "...can't ever have a ship…"

Back over to Evan and his food, Chica was inside the office, sneaking up behind him. Evan sniffed the air.

"What the hell is that smell?" Evan asked. Chica had a panicked look. "Is that...oil?" He turned around and jumped. "Jesus Christ, Chica! Don't fucking do that to me!"

"Sorry," Chica apologize, rubbing her arm. "I just wanted to see you."

"Well, make sure I don't die!"

"Sorry."

"Fuck. What do you want?"

"I just came over to see if you wanted to-" She was cut short by Bonnie who stuck his head in.

"Hey, Evan," the rabbit said. "I hope you know she wants to fuck you, right?"

"WAIT, WHAT?!" Evan exclaimed, jumping out of his chair. "Is that even possible? What the hell?"

"I-I, h-he, th-they," Chica stammered. "Bonnie, I'm going to kill you!" She charged at Bonnie, tackling him to the ground and choking him.

"You know," Bonnie said calmly. "Choking is pretty useless against me." He shoved her off and stood up. "Stupid cunt."

"Oh, you fucking asshole!" As the two animatronics fought, Freddy walked into the security office next to Evan.

"I don't think I want to work here anymore," Evan said.

"Well, just wait it out for two more days," Freddy responded. "Then, if you really want to, you can leave." Honestly, I'm thinking about giving up narration as well. I've completely lost all faith and hope in storytelling. I saw myself playing fucking GMod and a robot fingering herself. If that isn't weird, then I'll fucking kiss Lui. No questions asked. Tongue and all.

Fuck it, I'll just end the night here. Evan left and the pizzeria opened for another day of business. Shift over. Fuck me, I'm going to bed now. Goodnight, fuck-sticks.

* * *

**Remember to REVIEW and PM me if you want me to add anything to the story. blazingalex, out!**


	4. Chapter 4: So Done, I Can't Even

**Hello, blazingalex here. I wish I was friends with Vanoss.**

* * *

Night 4: So Done, I Can't Even

2:57 a.m.

"Evan, open up!" Chica called, banging on the door.

"No!" Evan shouted. "You're just going to try and rape me again!"

"Oh, come on! I promise I won't do that! Please?"

"Fuck off, Chica!" Jesus Christ, these two are bickering like a married couple. Evan loaded up his pistol and cocked it, removing the safety.

…

Wait a minute, what's he doing?

No, no, no, no! Don't do it man! You have so much to live-

BANG!

HOLY SHIT! HE JUST SHOT HIMSELF!

…

Oh, okay. I'm now getting word that this was really just a simulation for Evan to see how long he can last. Huh, actually, it's a new way to play the game. Cool. Well, then. That oughta confuse the fuck out of the readers. Now, to get my paycheck…

* * *

**The end.**


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